Monday, November 12, 2007

My productive day

Today I finally did something I have been procrastinating for two months. I actually applied for internships. I spent my day in between classes making copies, writing cover letters and putting together portfolios for each of the five internships that caught my interest. I need an internship so I can actually graduate from college this April. I'm done with classes in December but I can't graduate until I do an internship approved by my school.

Before I submitted that applications I asked Kaylene, the editorial advisor at my school's paper, to be one of my references. She said I should apply to be an editor for my last semester. I would love to do that but I already committed to work at my current job next semester. My dilemma is that the job I have currently pays more and being a young married college student I need all the money I can get to pay rent and groceries. In the long run the editor position would help me more in my career path though. I guess I'll have to discuss it with my husband and friends and decide what to do.

In the mean time, I was excited to find I had already received a response from one of the magazines I applied to for an internship. The editor emailed me to say she'll be in touch and that they start interviews at the end of November and the beginning of December.

My night was also productive in that I started my Christmas shopping. Technically I started my shopping in Ireland two weeks ago when I bought presents for all my nieces and nephews. Tonight my shopping was for presents for my husband. Still on my lists are presents for my brother and Dad as well as my in-laws. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I'm already thinking about Christmas, time has been going rather quickly.

Its been almost two months since my Mom died and I still don't know how to feel from day to day. Some days I'm fine and some days something as small as a song can make me stop or cry. Today that song was Pink's "Who Knew." Some of the lyrics say, "You took my hand,You showed me how, You promised me you'd be around...If someone said three years from now, You'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them up, Cause they're all wrong, I know better, Cause you said forever, And ever, Who knew?" "I'll keep you locked in my head,Until we meet again, Until we meet again, And I won't forget you my friend." I was driving to my husband's work to pick him up when I heard this song and I couldn't help tearing up. I'll think I'm okay and then something will happen that will show me I'm not. I just got back from Ireland on November 4. My mom was born and raised in Ireland and her family still lives there. They are Catholic and so they planned a memorial mass for her on November 3 so my Dad and I flew out on Halloween and came back the 4th. It was a whirlwind trip but it was a good one. The memorial gave me some sense of closure and I learned things I never knew about my mom's life. My Dad spoke of meeting her in Saudi Arabia and how he knew right away that someday she was going to be his wife. At the time there was a minor inconvenience in that fact that she was dating one of his friends at the time but at he said "I knew one day he would screw up and she would be mine, and he did and she was." They were engaged six months later while on an African safari in Kenya and married a year later on the Mediterranean island of Cyprus. A few years later they moved to Texas and my brother and I were born. This was the first time my parents realized that something was wrong and at first my mom was diagnosed with post-pardon depression. Later they found out that wasn't it but she had a good team of doctors that got her on medication that allowed her to remain stable for 17 years. My mom never wanted anyone to know so my brother and I were never told until last year when a doctor misdiagnosed her and put her on the wrong medication. After she found out I was engaged she asked to switch her medication since a side effect was weight gain and she wanted to lose weight so she could look good in the wedding pictures. The summer I got married I my husband and I lived with my parents. Throughout the summer my mom slowly got worse as the level of medication in her blood got lower and lower. She was aggressive, she was spending thousands of dollars, and was talking fast and threatening to kick out my husband and me on a regular basis. After a particularly bad situation my Dad had to have my Mom forcibly committed to the hospital for a month while they got her back on the right medication. This past June was the last time I saw my mom. My parents came out to visit my husband and I and my mom brought the top of my wedding cake so my husband and I could celebrate our one year wedding anniversary by eating the our wedding cake. A few months later I could tell when I talked to my mom on the phone that she was depressed. I called her on a Monday to ask about a recipe I always loved that she made and on Wednesday I received a phone call my Dad telling me to call him back as soon as I got the message. I couldn't get a hold of him so I called my brother, he told me that Mom had passed away. Her funeral was the next Monday and so many people shared all the ways my mom had served them through acts of kindness and love. I was a mess but slowly I started to think of the happy times and dwell less on the sadness of her absence. I was fine until the topic of suicide in the media was discussed in my Media Effects Class. My teacher said she could never commit suicide because she couldn't face Heavenly Father and the consequences like going to Hell. I got up and walked out of the class. I couldn't stay there and listen to it. Now that I've reviewed all the sad points of my life in the last few months I think its time to go to bed.

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